Carlos River's Black Box - Volume Two 

I am not believing this shit! Shabazz got me out here this afternoon, right after breakfast, digging shallow trenches for another salt perimeter, when we already got one. Damn! This aint nothing but pure busy-work.

Im screwed for real, obviously. Messed up big time. Awight, I admit it. Whatever. But what I cant figure out is how in the hell I got myself into a position like this in the first placeme? How did the master of smooth get caught in a damned laundry room with his woman, like I was some kid? Im beyond slipping. That shit was sloppy. Period. And we didnt even get to finish what wed started, for all this aftermath bull. 

But that was weeks ago, and Shabazz is still kicking my ass like Im a newbie! Im at the point now where Im like, fuck it. If Ima do the time, might as well do the crimemake it grand theft auto and joy ride hard, a felony, for real. Then, I gotta get to a calm place in my head, too, cause I know me and Bazz are cool beneath it all and yeah, yeah, yeah, I gotta chill for the sake of the newbies so they can come into their owns and not get their hearts snatched one night. But shit

This house in Arizona is a pure curse. They cant build the new compound fast enough. Yeah, Im training the newbies righteous with the senior squad. Finally gave into that reality. No problem. I got that on-lock. Doing what Im supposed to be doing as a Neteru. Cool. But Im bouncing off the fucking walls.

Cant leave the Reservation. Cant go clubbin. Cant pollute my system and get tore down in a bar. Seen every possible movie I ever wanted to see three times, if it was on cable or available for rent. There aint no beaches. Im bored out of my skull. Been reading esoteric bullshit just to keep my mind occupied. But after sitting on a Vamp Council throne, how much is in the books that a brother aint already seen?

Been doing chores till my eyes are about to glaze over. How many ways can you scrub a bathroom sink or swab a kitchen floor with a mop? And since everybodys got something smart to say about my chili, then hey. Cook your damned selves, then! Aint my problem they cant hang with the jalapenos and spices. Gotta do something to make up for the no meat version Marlene said I had to make on my KP shift, while everybodys in training. I dont wanna see another deck of cards, or dominoes, or checkers, or chessI cant take it. Wheres the fun when you can whip everybodys ass in the house?

Talking aint an option for mental diversion. Im not sitting around the camp fire telling another kid about Hell, or the seductive side of vampire night life. Its beginning to become depressing. I understand why Rider wont submit to it, either. Sounds like the old war stories of an old man, and Im anything but that. Playa, yes. Old playa, never. 

Plus, how much general conversation can be had until that wears you out, too? Even though theres probably several very interesting private conversations I still need to have, timing is everything. Cant say nothing to Juanita, right through here, since itll break her training focus and could start some real bullshit in the house and me and Jose just finally got coolso theres no need to say shit to him. As men, we didnt have to go into no long discussion drama. One day the vibe just passed on its own and it was squashed. All peace. 

He got a woman, I got a woman, no man crossed the invisible territorial marker, and neither one of us can get with our woman again till this mad-crazy training sex curfew is lifted. So theres no more cause for beef between men. Besides, like I told Jose, if I was ever taken out, and before Juanita was a factor for my brotherI told him, straight up, stand in for me, man. But since Im alive, that agreement is null and void. That shoulda been patently understood from the door, hombre. 

The only reason me and him initially had some minor beef was because, for a minute, till Nita tightened him up, he was having issues getting that understanding straight. Me and Jose just had to get clear about that. Now that we are, its cool. An appreciative sideline glance toward a fine woman every now and then aint worth messing up a brotherhood. Cant fault a man for a natural reflex reaction, as long as its done with respect and nobody tries to cross the line. I aint mad at the brother. Damali will mess up anybody thats got five senses, even brothers beyond the grave. Me and Jose are all right. Both share the same taste in woman. As long as he dont try to touch mine, and I dont go after hisnot that Id ever go there, its all good.

Why cant women be smooth like that? Just let the shit go. But if I step to Juanita for a one-on-one just to make Damali feel better, now Ive crossed over into Joses yard. Big time disrespect. Damali doesnt understand that it isnt as simple as she put it; Just man-up and tell her what time it is. Shit. I am manning up, but being respectful of my brother. There are just certain codes of male conduct that a woman dont understand, and as a man, I aint trying to explain like Im some punk thats gotta get permission from his Momma about how to handle his bizness. She called me a punk one time, and that was one time too many. I meant what I said when I told her, neva again.

She doesnt understand how the male mind works. The more Damali yangs me about it, the less inclined I am to talk to anybody about shitthats what she needs to get with. I told her to let me handle it my way. Meant what I said, and aint telling D twice. 

Juanita may be giving her tude from time to time, but what can the girl really do to D? I aint going nowhere and I aint crazy. This is just an adjustment phase of communal living. Im a Scorp, and dont deal with force-fed demands well at all. Either were gonna co-lead this team as equals, or were not. Damali needs to get clear; shes messing with a brother whos seriously on the edge these days.

Plus, I got other valid reasons beyond any power-struggle nonsense with D for taking my time. Ill speak on it when and if the time is right. On my schedule and in a way that keeps things cool with my brother. To do otherwise would be like rubbing Joses nose in my past with his ladysame as saying that, after Jose got with Nita, shes still on me, and since he cant seem to handle his business to keep Nita in check, which is making my lady uncomfortable, then I had to go back over my old territory and set Nita straight for him. Not done. 

Jose would be within his rights to draw a crossbow over some bullshit like that, just like I would. Talk about chaos If it was me, Id be like, what motherfucker? You had to talk to her cuz why? Aw, hell to the no. So, not speaking on it is best. Lettin it ride. Thats smooth. Ultimate respectwhich I extend to my posse. Soon as the house ban is lifted, and Jose has some working room hey. Nitall be all right. Everybodys salty these days, tempers flaring. Thats just lack-a-wanna talking. That, too, will pass just like Nitas getting more respectful of D daily, as she sees how serious my ladys program is as a Neteru. Why Damali cant see that is making me wonder maybe everybodys game is fraying at the edges. 

Truly, this aint like Damali to be trippin about something this petty. My lady is worrying this whole issue like a dog worries a bone. The hopeful thought is that Damali is just so horny and jacked up, too, that she aint thinking clearly about nothing. That I can thoroughly identify with. Lift the ban, baby itll do us both some good.

But she aint taking my mental SOS calls. Got a brother locked out. Blocked out. Fuckin turned out, feining. Cant talk to my woman about it one-on-one, though, because every time I get close to her in a private situation, she gets all nervous and jets but then puts me in a raggedy position when she wants to hug up and chill and watch TV.

I aint trying to do that. Hug up. Chill? How? Just sit together quiet-like, lying on the sofa or stretched out together on porch furniture relaxing. No. Relax? Even I know me better than that. Cause that leads my mind down paths it dont need to gonot up in here. Women just dont get it. What starving brother in his right mind wants to taste just a little bit of dinner, after smelling it slow cook all day hearing it sizzle in the pan, then just be able touch the edge of the plate but only look at it on the table and not be able to really bust a grub? Crazy. I dont have that much discipline, when it comes to D.

Damn straight Im in a foul mood. Digging ditches. Hell no I dont want newbies in my face asking me nothing beyond the necessary. What is there to say or talk about?

Only person I got anything to say anything to is maybe Rider. That brother is suffering at a level that even I dont know nothin about first hand. Dan is cool with me, toobecause you talk about a man on the edge. Brother walks around with an iPod twenty-four-seven blasting sad-ass love songs, trying to fend off the vibe. I can dig it. Whatever works. But if I hear Seals, Kiss from a Rose, one more time Ima tell the man to his face to just give it a restits only making his situation worse. As it is, he gets all fucked up with the my power, my pleasure, my pain line in the cut, so why hes beating his own ass is beyond me.

Its a double-edged blade that Dans got pressed against his windpipe. The music, for tacticals, staunches the pain to a degreebut put on the wrong cut and youre screwed ask me how I know. Only made that mistake once in here. All tacticals can pick up those sound wave vibrations in the cut theyre listening to, tune into the song, in order to drown out whatever else is messing with em. Feel the bass line, the guitars, drums, whatevers prominent and concentrate on that, if they focus hard enough. Thats why a man has to choose wisely, pick something that makes no reference whatsoever to his situation. 

Same with Big Mike. As long as Inez dont come out there bopping and bouncing to the cut to put a visual on the music, hes good ta go. He can blast other sounds, put on some ride-or-die music, and rock some Luda, Kanye, Ying Yang Twins featuring Pit Bull, anything to take his head somewhere totally different than where it is. But, me, I cant listen to a damned thing Damali ever made. Not right through here. I dont even go near Usher, or nothing crazy thatll blow my cool.

Wish a Neteru could do that, just block out the burn with pure non-suggestive sound. The noses cant, thats for sure. If its in the air or on the wind, were messed up. Thats another reason I aint mad at my boy, Jose. The seers got a special way of sending themselves peaceful images, I guess. Im working on that. Could use a crash course today, no lie.

I tried what Marlene discreetly told me to do. The old girl is smooth subtle. She was talking out loud to Krissy when Marj and Berkfield werent around, but really speaking to me indirectly. Did it low key with style. Marlene made sure I heard the advice to visualize something serene, non-sensual, and focus on white light, clear the mind, and step into a peaceful environment devoid of tension. 

Yeah, right. Didnt work, much as I wanted it to. The mental images I got of Damali are too strong and overlap all of that. I see a peaceful place, like a beach or a garden, and me and D have already had the most spectacular sex thereand then it all slams back. St. Lucia, pick an island in paradise. Shit. Thats where I used to take my wife somewhere peaceful, beautiful, serene, lushlike her then Id go to wurk and it would be anything but peaceful and quiet. And, yeah, thered be white light, but more like a supernova at V-point. Relax yeah, right

Music only makes me remember Damalis fantastic performances takes my mind in concert with her, visualizing it till Im seeing her sweat, hearing her singing her heart out, watching her dancing like a she-demon possessed, my baby working the stage down to the bone, siphoning out its marrow, wearing something too sexy to name, then the image overlays what Im hearing. LA, Brazil, Sydney, at the clubs, private audiences in my old lairs. I dont care what Im listening to. I remember the range of her voice in every octave, notes on fire. Registers and harmonics ripping me to shreds. Sharps making me tilt my head, flats making me breathe hard. Uh uh. That dont do neither one of us any good. Scratch music as an option. Im too plugged in to her sound.

What I cant tell nobody is, stress from this bullshit is probably making me sick. Got fucking headaches all the timelike something in the back of my skull trying to pry it open with a pick axe. But I aint trying to go to Shabazz with nothin like that. Ill deal with it my way. Just suck it up. 

But I aint gonna lie; its starting to worry me that I got light-sensitivity now during the day. I might have to actually start wearing shades, cause its getting worse. Cant figure that part out. I keep telling myself it has to be the new eyes the silver thing. Something organic is just probably messing with my daylight sight because of the silver night vision and my eyes are just maybe slow adjusting. Daylight is staring to send what feels like a stab wound into my temples when I first wake up. It was never like that before. 

Maybe the Arizona sun is just too bright. I dont know, and I hate not knowing. Knowledge is power. But like what am I gonna tell Bazzthat I really might be going blind from not getting some on the regular? Be serious. After he shook his head, hed probably say something smart, like, Go take a walk and jerk off somewhere, man, and pull your shit together. Then, see, he and I would have to come to blows; it would be a matter of principle because Id be so fucking pissed off that he told me something like that, Id flip. I know me.

For real, though, my system is messed up. Same deal with food. My appetite aint what it should be. I smell it, want it, then take two bites, and Im done. I gotta force myself to scarf it down and fight to keep it down, cause I cant be losing no weight. One thing I know is that whatever we face one night is gonna be battle-bulked like a motherfuckerso it aint about losing muscle mass because my stomach is acting funny. Its gotta be nerves which is totally unacceptable, in any case. This shit has me turned around so bad that a brother cant eat? What the fuck? 

No. I aint going out like that.

Plus, if I get real honest, my dreams have been whack. I should, from all this time being away from my lady, be dreaming about getting busy with her the minute I close my eyes. But Im notnot like I was when this abstinence bullshit began. Yeah, then, sheeeit. Thats all I could think about. Getting with D so hard Id wake up in a cold sweat. Weird thing was, Id always wake up just at the moment of truth, and be really messed up for the rest of the day. Even my own dreams would leave me hanging.

Now the shit Im dreaming is real strange. Old dynasties? Roman wars? Shape-shifting into a huge black serpent and mixing it up on the Amanthra Levelme? Tangled up in a mating ball with however many female vipers? Uh uh. No self-respecting ex-vampire would go there. If Id turn into anything while dreaming, it would be all panther. Thats me, thats my style well, it used to be. Still, whats running through my head in REM-state dont make no sense. Whats even worse is, I never dreamed of getting with anybody but Damali, or any other entity, for that matter.

So, no, right through here, I aint trying to do a hard mind-lock with D. Not until I get this whack shit under control. My lady dont need to see all that. Whats busting my head wide open needs to stay in my personal black box.

A coupla times, early on, when it was ridiculous and got real bad, I thought about astral traveling to get it on with my baby there but she backed off. That was cold. Dont know why she did, but its like shes afraid of letting me into her mind for some reason. Hey, who knows, shes been at this Neteru thing longer than me maybe she senses whats under layers of my thoughts aint exactly coolso I cant blame her. On the outside, shes peace. But on the inside, I cant put my finger on it, but she tenses up. Awight, I have to deal with that, too. Later.

Truthfully, I dont even know why Im thinking about this shit right now while digging these stupid salt trenches. Usually, during the day, if I get real honest with myself, I dont even know if Id feel like being with her if shed let me. Most days, all I wanna do is sleep. Talk about making a brother worried damn. Then the minute the sun goes down and hits the horizon, Im like a new man. Hungry, ready to go hunting, need to kick some ass in the worst way and just seeing Damali starts a serious jones.

I did sorta tell her a little bit, couldnt help it, needed to know I aint give up all the tapes, though. Just said, offhandedly that, my biorhythms were set on night. Peaked at midnight. Her reaction and explanation was logical, made sense. Were supposed to be night hunters. Okay. That made me feel better. I just hope shes right. That was the one decent, private convo me and her had while passing each other on the porch a week or so back. 

She was cool enough to keep that between us, and not start a whole house alert about me feeling a little off-center. Damali said everything about me was going through power shifts and changes down to the cellular level. True. She didnt have to tell me that, I can feel it. But the confirmation was appreciated. D said the temporary apex flux when we went up against Lilith and The Chairman was evidence of that. Awight. Maybe thats all it is, my body clock trying to reset itself to sync with the reverse of what a normal humans would be. But a little hit of her would straighten a brother out, for real, though.

If Damali was going through a Neteru ripening, I damned sure wouldnt treat girlfriend this way. Just turn off the master switch and go cold on the sister. If I did her like that, shed be mad as hell, too. And she wonders why Im in a perpetual bad mood.

Like how would that seem knowing she was trippin, needing some so bad she couldnt hardly breathe? Then shes making my condition worse, walking around here all fine and gorgeous, and wonders why I got an attitude. I have to keep an attitude. Thats how I stay sane. I have to stay mad at her so one night I just dont flat-out lose it and yank her across the dinner table and cause a sho nuff scene. Dont she know? 

Right about through here, thats possiblea full body snatch, regardless of whos looking. I dont wanna talk. Her voice messes me up. Her smile twists my stomach in knots. The old-heads gotta sense that and been giving a brother plenty of space as a result. My jaw has been locked so tight about this madness that Im about to chip a tooth.

Got my ass out here in the late afternoon sun digging trenches to work this shit off. Even Shabazz has been cool, given the circumstances. He knows the deal, and me and him got real peace about the laundry room. We aint even have to talk about it; it was simply understood between men. 

It wasnt about disrespect for his word, or nothing like that. It didnt have nothing to do with him at all. It was all situational, my woman is fine, and I aint been with her in as long as I can remember.

The next day all he said was, You cool? 

I said, As much as can be expected. 

He nodded and said, I was your age once, and aint mad. This, too, shall pass. 

Then it was squashed. But hes still got me working like a dog. Just like today when he handed me a shovel to lay another salt ring barrier around the house that dont need one. 

Bazz said, Got somethin for you to do. Then he was real cool and said. It aint punishment. Its an energy burner. 

We both finally laughed, and I was downcause I needed that. Sho you right. That old-head is wise, no doubt. I guess ten years in the joint for a crime you aint commit would bring a level of wisdom that I cant fathom. Ten years without Damali over a bullshit rap, some crime I aint do theyd have to shoot me. Put a bullet in my head. And Bazz went in when he was like seventeen or eighteen and they tried him for murder as an adult? Fucked up. 

That would have to make a man either very philosophical or completely insane, but cool as shit even about a situation as ready to blow, like that thing with Kamal. I confess, I cant wrap my brain around it. Bottom line is, when it comes to discipline and abstinence, as well as putting the teams welfare first, I give Shabazz his props. 

Awight, Im learning some new type of shit I aint seen before. All I wanna know one day, when Im stable, is where did the man go in his head for ten freakin years without a woman, and not lose his grip on reality? And from his aura, I can see he aint compromise, neither. Didnt let nobody make him no jailhouse bitch, and didnt make nobody one. Was just cool. Stayed inside his own head. Much respect. One night, over a mano-y-mano drink, Ima have to break down and ask Bazz that serious question. Thats beyond deep. 

From the shit I heard on the streets, holding it together without a squad in the joint is damned near impossible. Whoever schooled him had to be a bad motherfucker, too. Scary calm and all I know is, Kamal might be able to beat Bazz in a physical match-up, but I dont know if he can beat him mentally, which is the real test of strength. Core.

So I cant really complain that the team philosopher got me doing all kinds of mind-centering, crazy Kung Fu madness like chopping woodnot that we need it for anything beyond stakes. Got me out back sharpening blades, not that weve seen any demon action that could use em lately. Got me doing anything he can around here that can burn up excess energyand thats a very good thing. All right.

Like I said, I aint really mad at the brother. I just dont feel like digging trenches today. Hes putting everybody on task, though, if I really think about it. Just like he put Mikes ornery ass in the yard lifting fifty gallon steel drums filled with rock salt to fortify the house, and lifting tractor tires for the obstacles course, and all sorts of crazy shit to make that brother drop and go right to sleep after his shift is over. Inez is banned from the kitchen until further notice. Cant fault nobody at this point. Every mans will power is jacked. Suspect.

Guess I aint the only one coping, come to think about it. Dan gets sent to town everyday to hit the post office and pick up big packages sent by The Covenant. They got that man driving back and forth and away from the house like hes setting up a military commissary. They done put so much technology in front of J.L. to try to rig the house that, in order to focus, hes gotta devote a hundred percent of his brain to the task. Good way to chill a man out. 

I just hope Jose dont blow himself up. He aint our explosives expertand Bazz got hombre working on bombs and C4 and shit so while hes on task, Jose is more focused on survival than bootywhich has a certain classic wisdom to it. The only one thats exempt is Rider, on account of the fact that he can self-manage his own shit, right through here. Jack Daniels will take the edge off a lotta things when a man is out cold. All they gotta do is make Bobby run laps and hes done. So, all in all, I gotta hand it to Marlene and Shabazz. My mind is jumping all over the place, which also aint me. Focus is history. 

But its hot as hell out here, and the sun feels like its breathing fire. Today is not a good day, I can tell. Tonight is gonna be a real mother. Cause I should be exhausted by now but even if Shabazz had told me to put a rope around the house and drag it a hundred yards, I wouldnt be tired. Im sure the older brother picked that up, too, or else I wouldnt be standing here with a shovel in my hand, digging like Im trying to find a Hell cavern on Level One, instead of making shallow trenches for this damned salt. Guess I wasnt paying attention to what I was supposed to be doing. Again, sloppy. Salt trenches are only supposed to be six inches deep around the foundation of the house, but what I just dug looks like a four-foot deep grave. Shit!

I aint trying to feel like this, aint trying to be all jacked around in my head today or tonight. Aint trying to play no fucking cards. I need to call my boy, Yonnie, and get outta here for a little while. But, see, if I do that tonightanything is liable to kick off. Hed come around, trailing Taras sex scent and her lavender on him, Rider would flip, and then the shit would be on. So, I cant even get out of Dodge without putting a team member at risk. This is entrapment. Oughta be against the law.

Why am I standing out here talking to myself like a lunatic! 

I was cool, earlier, thought I had the jones beat, the Damali habit under control. I swear that woman is pure narcotic. Got me out here in the sun hallucinating, thinking about all kinds of acid-trips or like I took a hit of Ecstasy. Im zooming.

When I got up this morning, I had my focus. Then it all started unraveling when I saw Damali drag a heavy duffle bag into the laundry room. I couldnt even concentrate on eating breakfast. I was done. Soon as I heard the water running and the washing machine go on, a brother was messed up. I have to laugh. The shit is pitiful. Its been so long that Im starting to fantasize about getting with my woman on top of mundane appliances literally got a nervous tick from the smell of laundry detergent, like it was her signature scent of Shea Butter. 

Por Dios, help me. I gotta laugh to keep from crying. My damn hands was shaking when Damali set the dryerit was the sound of the top slamming and the thud of wet clothes that brought it all back. Thats when Shabazz got up from the table and said to follow him outside. I had so much wood I almost couldnt move.

Then girlfriend has the nerve to be looking extra good today maybe its just me. She knows red is my color. Why she gotta wear one of them little tank tops that show her belly with no bra and painted-on jeanstoday? Im just glad she took her beautiful ass around the front of the house and went outside. 

If shed stayed in that laundry room much longer, with Shabazz monitoring the back door like a walking electronic security system, Id be trying to do an old school break-and-entry through the kitchen window to get to her. I do know myself that well. 

But her being outside, even in the front while Im in the back, has its drawbacks. Her scent is on the wind probably only a hundred parts per billion, or a little less, and yet I can still smell her. Just like I can imagine what the sun is doing to her skin. Like I can almost hear her slow, steady breaths of meditation I wanna climb into her mind right now so bad, I cant even think about it. Same way I can feel her vibe making the hair stand up on my arms. Just like I wanna get inside her so hard that this steel shovel aint got nothing on me. 

The way her mouth moved while she was eating breakfast is what really started it. I didnt even realize I was watching her mouth that serious until she licked her lips and almost made me spill my coffee. It was like being in a fucking trance. Me, an ex-vampire, trance-zapped in broad daylight at the breakfast table. Dont make no sense. 

Then, tonight, shell wanna talk. Sit close. Ask me about my day. And Ill have to listen to her fantastic voice, hear her laughfeel it run all through me like a slow shudder low, rumbling thunder in my balls and beating my ass. If she really laughs hard, itll feel like lightening striking my rod. I will be no good. Shell be all sweaty from whatever she had to do today under the desert heat, and her scent will slaughter my ass, too. Her shirt will be sticking to her. Her naked torso showing her navel, damned near giving me an I-cant-stand-it heart attack. Ill have to ball up my fists just not to touch her and I wont be able to concentrate on a thing she has to say. Compasion. Damn!

Then when I get up and walk away from her mid-sentence, shell get pissy and wonder why I have an attitude. Why Im not listening. Why Im aloof, as she calls it, and dont wanna vibe with the family. Why I dont wanna cuddle and just chill. 

Itll be impossible not to watch her body move under that little tank top. See her nipples get hard under it when the temperature drops. See her lift those soft locks up off her lovely neck see her jugular sweet spot. See her strut into the kitchen to get some ices tea, her ass swaying whew then have to suffer as I watch her drink it in slow-motion. Yeah, I might be a Neteru, but Im only humanso they tell me. Last I checked, I was also very male and its been months, plural, por favor.

What Bazz dont realize is, Id have to dig the Grand Canyon to get this monkey off my back. If my Neteru powers are coming in strong, and locking in hard, there aint really shit I can do about it but suffer. And here the newbies are all starry-eyed thinking being a Neteru is a grand and glorious thing. They have no idea. No concept. Under these conditions, even a regular male would be messed up. Add some super cosmic topspin, and youre ass is a goner. But Im supposed to set an example of disciplineyeah right. Remain platonic, unaffected, oblivious, and cool. Im doing the best I can. None of them have any frame of reference to what its like being with D.

All right, ya estoy harto! Enough. I aint thinking about this shit no more. This too shall pass. Self-torture is stupid. With this tricked-up Neteru physiology, if I get myself off, itll only make the burn for her worse. Gotta accept that I cant make love to her any time soon, and Im not gonna lose my mind about it. Im going to find that quiet mental place. Visualize Zen. Gonna focus on the task. Dig the trench. I am one with the shovel. Shake it off.

Be smooth, embody smooth, dig the trenches, put down the salt, be smooth you are the embodiment of cool dig the trenches. You are smoother than all this, man. Its only temporary. The erection will fade as your mind once again becomes laser control. You will not be a slave to sensory stimuli. You are on a desert island and must survive by digging trenches. The female species does not exist. Its just you and the elementsman against nature. 

You are Adam the female species has not been created yet. You dont even know what one would be like. You have no foreknowledge, so not being with one aint no thing. The love of your life aint even been born yet. You have no memory to draw fromthere is only a void of knowledge. Sweat is running down your body from hard work, from digging trenches. You breathe slowly to pace yourself and remain focused. You put your back into it, and your shoulder into it, as you get the task done. Bend at the knees just use your legs for the heavy lifting and leverage. 

Oh shit just like being with her! Who am I fooling? I cant get this shit outta my mind. I gotta switch with Jose and do yard patrol tonight. Fresh air. Sleep is gonna be out of the question, especially with Damali anywhere in the house. Maybe I can ride into town later with Dan. I gotta put some distance between me and D for a little while. Shit! Forget the trenches. Ill dig em when I get back. Maybe make one deep enough to hurl myself into a shallow grave and beg somebody with a heart to just cover me up. Anything beats this.

Truth be told, on days like today, being a Neteru with all this extrasensory awareness sucks. At least, when I was a vamp I could sleep.

 
 
